I recently lost my grandmother. It was very difficult of course. I was able to spend some of the last days with her. So the coming passing was not much of a surprise to me. But I realized something. I lost my grandfather a couple years back. When I lost him I wasn’t able to spend some of the last days with him. I always felt bad about that. I always wondered if I had done right by him? I wondered if I was living my life to meet his standards? I believe I still do wonder. That particular feeling will never go away. I wonder also if they are both watching me? If they are watching my future like a film. or if they were right beside me the whole time. A lot of choices I have made have been because I wonder if and what they would say. They were nice people. Some of the things I do I’m like “he (grandpa) will be okay with it.” Then I laugh say to myself “But Grandma would beat my ass.” But during the funerals I felt bad for not being able to be with my Grandpa on those days. I have to wonder or try and remember those last few words I said to him. It wasn’t bad I’m sure. but It was the last words. The last words seem to the most important. I am not sure I told him ” Thank you”; “I love you, and “etc.” That’s the hardest part. Telling someone how they made you feel on this Earth is what seemed the most important. It wasn’t the fact that they were gone. I understand death is natural. Not being able to let someone know or simply make peace with them can be hard on you. Of course you miss them but you must know your loved ones wouldn’t want you remembering them in sorrow but in happiness. They would want you to reminisce on the lessons and experiences learned with them. Those experiences you learned is what the expect you to show in your future. It took me a while to understand that. I still think im being watched. lol but I no longer worry about the last words. And you never know if they are watching you they may have already received those last words.